CW: Suicide
Note: Please note that throughout this article, I may switch between personal pronouns. This is on purpose, which will hopefully be explained by the article’s topic (Dissociative Identity Disorder). Typically, ‘I’ describes a specific alter, whereas ‘we’ is used for our collective system in this shared body. A glossary of terms used is at the end of this article.
I’ve probably told this anecdote before (hey, I have amnesia!), but we were once in A&E for a mental health crisis and mentioned we have DID… never again! The look on the consultant psychiatrist’s face, a glaring disdain, as she asked the million-dollar question: “Well, which one is the evil one?” I despise that question, we all do, because how can you reduce someone down to a cruel judgement? How can you ask someone who is traumatised which part of them is evil? how can a professional do this!
We do have persecutors in our system, yes, but we certainly don’t believe that they are ‘evil’. we don’t like the term due to the stigma it brings, we just haven’t found a better one yet. Persecutors are alters who, as a result of trauma, hurt the body, other headmates, or (very rarely) are unkind to those outside of the system. This is obviously problematic, but still we try to treat our persecutors like any other alter: all alters have a purpose, all deserve to be heard, and all deserve to be loved, that thing which we so lacked as a child.
So, we thought we would introduce you to some of us in the system who would have, at some point or another, been known as the ‘evil one’.
My name is Liza, and I am the evil one. I landed us in hospital repeatedly with suicide attempts. I was the one about whom that anecdotal question was asked. I was scared, I was hurting, I was broken. I acted in the only way I knew how to when pursued by voices… not knowing what reality was. I am not evil, I am ill.
My name is Astra, and I am the evil one. I’ve also landed us in hospital, but more than that, I lash out at others, particularly our abusers. I am deemed evil because I am angry, because my rage is called unholy. My rage is freeing, my rage is safe, my rage is healing. I am not evil, I am triggered.
My name is Meli, and I am the evil one. I’ve put us in some bad situations, but I’m only doing it because I thought that it was the right thing to keep us safe from further harm. I reenact trauma because it’s the only thing I know: I didn’t get to experience safety, I only know pain. I am called evil because I do not act as society expects a victim to. I am not evil, I was brainwashed.
My name is Xyla, and I am the evil one. I’ve hurt us many times, I’ve bullied the littles, and I loath to write this and risk being judged. I’m an introject of an abuser. We were hurt so badly that our brain decided to perpetuate that pain; to force us to abuse ourselves. I am angry. I am not evil, I am traumatised.
My name is Evelyn, and I was the evil one. I became our primary protector and am now our host. I used to be angry, and I still am. But where I used to be angry at the body, not being able to understand that it wasn’t the body’s fault it was abused, now I am angry at our abusers. And anger at those who hurt us is not dangerous; it is protective. I am not evil, I am a protector.
My name is Red, and I was told I was evil. I am seven years old. I was told I was evil. I was hurt because I was evil. (She is not evil, she’s a child)
Glossary
DID: Dissociative Identity Disorder, previously known as Multiple Personality Disorder: A condition where a child’s brain, due to extreme and ongoing trauma throughout childhood, does not form the same way as most people, leaving a person with distinct identity parts and a level of amnesia between them.
System: the term people with DID typically use to describe themselves as a collection of alters.
Alter: a distinct identity part within the system. Others may call these parts, identity states, headmates, or simply people. Some still use the term personalities, though this is less common and can cause controversy. Alters can be different ages and genders, look different internally, use different names, and have different interests and personalities.
Headmate: another word for alter.
Persecutor: alters who, as a result of trauma, hurt the body, other headmates, or (very rarely) are unkind to those outside of the system.
Introjects: alters that have a ‘source’ that they are based on. This can be a fictional character or someone in real life. These alters have absorbed qualities, beliefs, skills or even memories from significant figures in your life and take on aspects of these figures (both positive and negative). They are not a carbon copy of these people and whilst they reflect them, these alters are still distinctly themselves.
Primary Protector: protector alters protect the system, body, alters, etc from harm, external or internal. A primary protector is the main protector in the system.
Host: the alter in the system who fronts most often. For some, this is the alter who identifies most with the body; some systems do not have a single host or any at all.
Littles: child alters, who usually are stuck at the age of trauma. When a child alter is fronting, the body has the mental capacity of that age and acts and often talks like a kid.
Resources on DID:
FPP charity (legacy site) https://www.firstpersonplural.org.uk/dissociation/complex-dissociative-disorders/
@dissociation.info (Instagram)