This week, we decided to focus our spotlight on an incredibly common experience for university students: being in a long-distance relationship. Allegedly, 75% of students will be involved in such relationships. In some respects, it’s almost inevitable. Either you’ve met someone at home and then gone away to university, or you’ve met someone at university and then returned home for the holidays. No matter how you come about long distance, I’m sure you can agree, it’s difficult but rewarding.
Firstly, it should go without saying that long-distance relationships present their own challenges. Whether you’ve had a testing day and you just want a hug from your favourite person, or you just received your top essay mark and you want to share it, being separated by however many miles puts a block in the way. Sometimes, all you want is to see your person, but all that’s available, depending on if they’re even free, is a pixelated video call.
Schedules clash, especially across different universities or if one person works. And the advice online can be incredibly pressurising. If you’ve ever happened to stumble on this line of never-ending reels, you’ll find the constant pressure of phoning every day, unrelenting gift giving and regular surprise visits. The projection online is so entirely fake, an unrealistic portrayal of a pace we could never keep up with. And whilst you recognise that, anything short of this faked ‘perfection’ is suddenly a short-coming in your own relationship, leaving you vulnerable to comparison with things you see online.
However, when you hop off the internet, the excessive showcasing of your relationship isn’t so achievable. Yes, it would be wonderful to surprise your partner every other weekend with a bouquet of flowers and your presence, or to phone for fifteen hours every day. But that just isn’t possible when you’re living different lives in different cities. Whilst it may initially feel as though you have to phone every day, it is also okay for it to be three or four days before your next contact.
The pressure of phone calls is something to be grappled with. If you are lucky enough to phone every day, it means that socialising can be sacrificed. No longer can you go out every night because you want to stay in and phone your partner instead. Obviously, there is nothing wrong with that, but it can lead to a feeling of FOMO (Fear of Missing Out). But if you do decide to go, you sacrifice precious time with the person you love. The balancing act is far from easy, and something I’m sure that many people secretly struggle with.
And there’s the added element that each of you are living lives that don’t always involve one another. Your friends, your studies, your daily routine – they all remain separated, except for the details you actively decide to share. It can feel like watching a play, spectating as your partner experiences all the highs and lows that life has to offer, whereas all you can do is wait and hope to hear about it. Those visits are like a backstage pass – you can experience a snippet of their life, but the true flow of their routine is something that only happens when the curtains open; when you aren’t there.
It would be unrealistic to discuss the difficulties of such relationships without mentioning the goodbyes. Certainly the most difficult part is dropping someone off at the train station or airport, aware that that’s your last hug and contact for days, weeks, or months. It is something so gut-wrenchingly painful. After having finally readjusted to life with your significant other, you have to acclimatise to life without them again. It never gets easier.
But allow me to reiterate something. Long-distance relationships are rewarding. In fact, 60% of long-distance relationships last in the long-term. Whilst you may not have access to unlimited hugs or weeks of each other’s company, you do gain a level of communication that is so beautiful and pure, something that builds the foundation for a long-lasting relationship. During disagreements, as you can’t detect one another’s emotions from being around each other, open communication is a necessity. When you’re able to discuss your needs so clearly through text or video call, it means that those skills and that development will already be in place for when you close the distance. It’s such a vital skill in relationships, and if you are forced to harness it through the many miles between you, that should only be considered a positive thing. For this reason, I have joked that each couple should be put through a long-distance assault course to see whether they could last, as the level of openness and communication you can gain from the right long-distance relationship is something to cherish.
There’s also something wonderful about being the spectator to your partner’s life, watching as they achieve the things they hoped for without any obstructions. Knowing that they’ve had to find their own friends, achieve their own goals, and establish their own identity in a place so far removed from yourself. And you’ve had to do the same. Knowing that you both have developed the skills to cope alone, and are instead complimentary to each other’s lives, rather than dependent. As an individual, being in a long-distance relationship can be fulfilling, knowing that you’ve achieved and created your own world, but you also have the love and support of someone by your side.
Plus, those visits are wonderful, when you get to learn about your partner’s life in their own setting. This is all the better when you do live further away, as you gain a wonderful opportunity to explore new cities, new countries, new continents. Whilst international relationships require a lot of work, these opportunities are an underrated privilege. Being granted the possibility to explore new places, with your person as the tour guide, is an incredible chance to show each other how you live your day-to-day, plus receive an array of restaurant recommendations!
Before I finish, let me leave you with this: I once heard that long-distance relationships are beautiful as you don’t just fall in love once. Each time you see that person you fall in love with their mannerisms, their kindness, and their personality all over again. I think this is one of the sweetest ways long-distance relationships have been described, and something that is so important for those in these relationships to remember.
It’s no secret that these, as with any relationship, aren’t easy. There are difficult parts that need extra care and focus as opposed to short-distance ones. And perhaps the goodbyes never get easier. But they do become safer, knowing that you can survive any amount of distance. One day, whenever that may be, the distance will close, and the relationship you have nourished across the miles should be built on such a solid foundation, and suddenly being one of those 60% of long-distance relationships that survives in the long term seems a whole lot easier.