TW: Relationship Abuse/Sexual Violence

Please stop writing about misogyny if you don’t respect women in real life. 

Abusing your girlfriend doesn’t go away just because you wrote an article about how men need to stand up and tackle sexism. It’s not that men don’t need to step up. They do. But you took the wrong step. If you want to show you’ve changed, then face up to your actions and apologise to the girl whose trust you violated.  Get down from your performative feminist high horse and apologise to the girl who you turned into a broken, traumatised shell of herself, instead of calling her inspirational on the internet.

Kudos to you for speaking up about the degradation that women face, but maybe you should have thought about that before abusing me. Before abusing your position of authority and sexualising me (even though you had a girlfriend). Maybe you should have thought about how difficult it is for women to be taken seriously before you stayed silent whilst the rumours spread. Before you joined in with the slut-shaming jokes, objectified me and my friends. Maybe you should have thought about treating women right yourself, before telling other men how to do it. But who am I to say? I’m just the girl who was so inspirational to you, who you had so much respect for, that you raped her repeatedly. But who would ever believe me? You’re the guy who spoke out against sexism. 

You wrote about how you know you can’t understand the reality of women’s experiences or how it truly feels to be degraded, looked down upon, and objectified by the men around you. And I don’t know whether to laugh or cry at how right you are. You will never understand what it’s like to be manipulated, violated, and abused by the one person you trusted with your deepest vulnerabilities. You will never know how it feels to be gaslighted so much that you worry you’re going crazy. You will never know how much you question your own sanity when you have to read a feminist diatribe written by the man who raped you.

As much as I hate you for what you did, I hope you never have to understand what it’s like to be a woman. To know that nobody would ever believe you against the good guy who calls out misogyny in international media. Enjoy your pats on the back for being one of the nice guys. You are so brave, calling out sexism, and using your male privilege to help women. Because you couldn’t ever believe we could help ourselves. Why let a woman tell her story when you, a man, could do it so much better for her? 

Men need to speak up, you say, and it’s obvious why. Because we all know you wouldn’t ever listen to a woman if she tried to stand up for herself. No, you’d play the victim, say it wasn’t really you, just bad influences online, bring up men’s mental health and how she shouldn’t have been wearing that if she wanted you to take her seriously. So again, although I know you won’t listen to me, please don’t write about women’s issues. Take your own advice: treat women better in the real world before calling out other men online. Being an internet feminist doesn’t make you less of an abuser.

Love, 

Your “Inspirational” Ex-Girlfriend 

If you are affected by any of the issues mentioned here, you’re not alone and please don’t suffer in silence. National services that offer support to victims and survivors include: 

Women – National Domestic Abuse Helpline: 0808 2000 247 

Men – Respect Men’s Advice Line: 0808 8010 327

LGBT+ – Galop: 0800 999 5428