Note: Please note that throughout this article, I may switch between personal pronouns. This is on purpose, which will hopefully be explained by the article’s topic (Dissociative Identity Disorder). Typically, ‘I’ describes a specific alter, whereas ‘we’ is used for our collective system in this shared body. A glossary of terms used is at the end of this article.
At the moment, my life is repeatedly confronting me with my past. The flashbacks are creeping in, the fears from childhood are overwhelming, and my vulnerabilities are scaring me. Yet, as hard as this is for me, the 23-year-old host of this system, I can only imagine what it is like for the littles. How terrifying it must be to be constantly reminded of the pain that brought you into existence, how confusing it is to live in a grown-up body when you are still a child; how painful to have been stripped of a childhood. And so, I want to write a letter to my littles:
My loves, you should never have grown up so fast. You should never have seen the things you have seen, never had those experiences. My loves, you are strong even when you shouldn’t have to be. I too wish that you could have been little and safe, not big and brave. My loves, you should never have needed to be brave. My loves, we are so nearly safe now. I promise you that no one will ever hurt you like that again.
So please, revel in your youth even though this body is now grown. Sing and dance and experience joy. Hoard even more stuffed toys than we already have. Eat ice cream for dinner! Don’t you stress about the grown up things–you are allowed to be small. We have people here who will let us be small. It’s okay to be little and safe now.
My loves, thank you for how you helped us survive. Thank you for bearing the pain so I didn’t have to, but it’s okay to put it down now. No one will ever hurt you like that again.
It’s okay, my loves, we are starting to flourish as well as merely survive. We have friends we can trust, friends who buy us teddies and give us hugs. Friends who see you as you are. We may even get to visit the Hundred Acre Woods with one. I know you’d like that. We have people who call us by our names and we no longer have to pretend to be just one. We have a therapist we can trust, who sees us for us, and who treats us with such kindness. My loves, we are so close to the life that we have dreamed us. We have a girlfriend we care for and who cares for all of us. We are almost at the next step of life: we will finish in Oxford soon and move into writing! We will get a job in a different city, so we can finally be free.
My loves, you are wonderful. You have found the capacity for joy even amongst greatest evils. I love hearing you sing, I love all your made-up dances (yes, you still remember the routine to Price Tag!). I love the way our body feels when you smile in it. I love the excitement that bubbles up in our stomach when you pet a dog or watch your favourite movies. I love the way you laugh. I love it when you’re cheeky. I love it when random things appear in the post because you were so excited you just had to have it, and I am too happy for you to say no, even when we need to spend money on grown-up things now! I love the confidence you have, and your energy. I love that you follow your heart in everything.
I love that you are with me. I love you and I promise I will make sure that no one ever hurts us like that again.
DID: Dissociative Identity Disorder, previously known as Multiple Personality Disorder: A condition where a child’s brain, due to extreme and ongoing trauma throughout childhood, does not form the same way as most people, leaving a person with distinct identity parts and a level of amnesia between them.
System: the term people with DID typically use to describe themselves as a collection of alters.
Alter: a distinct identity part within the system. Others may call these parts, identity states, headmates, or simply people. Some still use the term personalities, though this is less common and can cause controversy. Alters can be different ages and genders, look different internally, use different names, and have different interests and personalities.
Host: the alter in the system who fronts most often. For some, this is the alter who identifies most with the body; some systems do not have a single host or any at all.
Littles: child alters, who usually are stuck at the age of trauma. When a child alter is fronting, the body has the mental capacity of that age and acts and often talks like a kid.