Photography by Amy Ellis Winter
‘There’s no rulebook’, ‘There’s no breakup guide’, ‘Time heals all’ – we’ve heard it all before. But in case you want to DO something about your heartbreak, here is a comprehensive guide that worked for me:
Stage One: Total Despair
Let yourself feel the chaos and intensity of all of the emotions as they overlap. Try your best not to suppress them. Cry if you can, scream if you want to, throw up if you must – with heavy emphasis on the crying. Whenever a feeling comes up, articulate it through any medium. Writing down exactly what you are feeling is always a good thing to do – even if it ends up looking like a random stream of obscenities. Talking about it can be hard, but it’s very useful when it comes to figuring out what it is you are actually going through. Stage one may last weeks, or months, but it is important to commit to the emoting process and make sure nothing is left unfelt. There is no honour or nobility in trying to mould yourself into an unfeeling pillar of composure. In fact, there is a certain strength that comes with allowing yourself to express externally what you feel internally.
Stage Two: AWOL
Do not contact them! The block button is your best friend. Don’t put pressure on yourself to do this right away, it will take a transition period, and it is probably more harmful to cut them off immediately and unnaturally than it is to give yourself time to come to terms with the idea. But the important thing is that you eventually give it a cooling off stage. Whether you ended on good or bad terms, whether you want to be friends in the future or never speak to them again, it’s important to have a period where you establish yourself as someone who exists without them in your life. This is as much about accepting a new reality as it is about grieving the old one. You will never know how resilient you can be until you allow yourself the mental space to thrive without them.
Stage Three: Despairing but Developing
A lot of character development has happened by now. You’ve dealt with some intense emotions, and you’ve axed arguably one of the most central people in your life. But then, when it feels right, or at least when it feels slightly more possible, begin with Stage Three. Slowly begin to become disciplined with yourself. Establish more of a routine and start pushing yourself to do little things that you know are good for you. Stop yourself from crying, or sitting in bed in the dark, or watching reality TV. If stage one is for total indulgence of emotion, stage three is where the transition from calamity to normal life begins to happen.
Stage Four: Life After the Fact
If you’re at stage four, you’re probably past the worst of it, but you are facing the challenge of actually thinking a bit more realistically about what your life is going to look like now. At this stage, you are fine, functional even, but still get little pangs in your heart that remind you that you are not entirely over your ex. The important thing is to channel Stage One energy and never sit on an emotion. They will probably be easier to face, so you should push yourself to face them. When I was going through this final stage, I found myself scared of negative emotions because I was afraid of regressing in my process. But in reality, you need to talk and think about the relationship you are grieving in order to move on. Just be with the emotion; consider what is making you sad, and how that feeling is manifesting physically, then focus on that physical sensation. Suddenly, the worst-case scenario doesn’t seem so bad anymore. Repeat this process for the best results.
The Conclusion
Thinking about a breakup in terms of ‘steps’ or ‘stages’ was helpful for me to gain some semblance of control over my chaotic emotions, but of course healing is by no means a linear process. A breakup isn’t a project that you either pass or fail. There is no pressure to ‘win’ or ‘lose’, but it can be useful to feel like there are things you can do. And it wouldn’t be a breakup guide without quoting the age-old advice: It really does simply take time. Things eventually do get better… Happy healing!