Illustration by Holly Whitnell
Can love last forever? And is monogamy the model for long-lasting love? Movies, music, and general mainstream media often push the idea of ‘the one’; someone you are not only compatible with, but who you will remain compatible with until the end of your life. Hopefully it is not too cynical to argue that, statistically speaking, if this person exists it is unlikely that we would ever find them. Because good, healthy, fun relationships are not pure chance. Rather, we mould to become more and more compatible with our partners. Becoming well acquainted with one another, connecting through shared experience, even sheer proximity – all of these things are tools with which relationships, romantic or otherwise, are built.
It is probably more useful, though, to consider the idea of multiple ‘the ones’ over the course of a lifetime. A relationship does not need to last for a long time in order for it to be valuable and formative, and each stage of mental and emotional development is accompanied by a change in the type of person we feel we need. Furthermore, we do not always select partners based on who best suits us, but what we most crave. Romance, especially in the first chunk of life, is driven by impulse and desire – or it should be. Perhaps long-term, exclusive, monogamous romantic structures do not always accommodate the ever-evolving young mind.
Generally speaking, humans tend to look for monogamy, but the scientific narrative is very different. The biological sexes among all species of mammals “differ more in human beings than in monogamous mammals, but much less than in extremely polygamous mammals”. In short, if there was a theoretical spectrum with monogamy as one extreme and polygamy as the other, it is unclear exactly where humans would fall, although it is likely that we’d be lingering somewhere in the middle which Daly and Wilson discuss in Sex, Power, Conflict: Evolutionary and Feminist Perspectives. “The stability of relationships, (…) the pair-bond is a ubiquitous feature of human mating relationships. This may be expressed through polygyny and/or polyandry but is most commonly observed in the form of serial monogamy”.
The term ‘serial monogamy’ is fitting. Indeed, often the way we approach relationships is entirely codified, adhering to heteronormative structures even in non-heterosexual love. And in love, we are repeat offenders, scared to venture into new territory. It is true that humans often crave monogamy in their romantic lives. For a long time we have been subjected to society’s pressure to search for monogamy in order to feel accomplished within our relationships — we feel the need to fill a quota that has been implemented by past tradition. Perhaps the question ‘can love last forever?’ should be rephrased as ‘are we, as humans, suited to exclusive, long-term connections?’ I think we need to reframe our thinking with regards to what constitutes a ‘worthy’ love. If we assume that love and longevity are directly correlated, or love and exclusivity, we place an unfair pressure on our romantic connections. Love cannot last forever if we push it too far or squeeze it to fit a mould.
We’ll never know which relationships will last to the end until we’ve reached the end. And even then, we have to take everything on a case-by-case basis – it is useless to make sweeping generalisations. Obviously, you can have short-term relationships that are hugely impactful. And obviously there are relationships that last all of people’s lives where no love exists. There is no formula. It seems to me that the love that lasts forever is not a Hollywood-esque idea of romantic love, but the more mundane, everyday experiences of sharing a meal, or a laugh, or a couch. The relationships that will endure are the ones that are rooted in friendship, be it your partner, your sibling, or your childhood friend.