College Families: Are they what we make of them?

Before coming to Oxford, without a doubt, every one of us had dozens of questions – albeit, big or small.

“Where do I buy sub fusc?”; “How do you address your tutors?”; “How bad is the workload?”; “How is the accommodation?”; or, “What’s the going-out scene like?”

These were some of the (many) questions I asked my college mother in the weeks before I moved into college as a fresher only a few months ago. Throughout the year, my friends and I have discussed what we have learnt, and how we have grown, giving us answers to the questions that we didn’t even know we had. Yet, I think some of this confidence came from the answers and the comfort that our college parents gave us, allowing us to settle in more easily to Oxford life.

College families are such a uniquely Oxford tradition, put in place to connect its students. I believe that they are what we make of them. They are something to be embraced, benefitting everyone involved. College parents, college siblings, college marriages, and college children – an association with people that we see around the city, day to day. This provides the ideal opportunity and foundations for friendships to be built upon.

In Freshers’ Week, my college family and I had dinner together and all the questions and queries that we’d gathered throughout the week were answered. My college siblings and I heard countless stories about the real Oxford experience, destroying stereotypes in the best way – reminding us that university isn’t all about studying, but there is plenty of fun involved too! From this, I became even more excited to live out the highs and lows of university, knowing that, like college families, the experience is what we make of it.

I find that having college parents is dependent on how we approach it, since many people discuss the extent to which they are friends, or strangers, of their college parents. Yet, I think that, if both the parents and the children have the confidence to make it so, it can be a point of conversation. Naturally, it can be intimidating; approaching someone with a year’s more experience and understanding can really emphasise the naivety of an incoming fresher in Michaelmas. That said, if they are willing, having someone who helps and listens to you makes this tradition so unique. Running into them around college, being able to ask questions, and talk about whatever may be on our minds, is something that I find to be not only a special, but also a remarkably welcoming, aspect of college life.

Still, I would be remiss not to mention college marriages. I am lucky enough to have a great experience with this, as both my college wife and I embraced the concept fully, having bought each other rings back in Michaelmas – ironically (and completely unintentionally) we both bought them from the same stall in Gloucester Green. After meeting college parents, I think the idea of college marriages was something that was embraced, even as early as matriculation, at which my friends and I witnessed several entertaining proposals. My college wife proposed in Bridge, no later than Week 3, and, in theory (and luckily not in practice), this could have been a mistake. Being that early on in the year, we were still at a point where everyone was getting to know each other. Friendships undoubtedly change across the terms, which is completely natural. Therefore, engaging in a college marriage so early can be difficult. It could mean that people don’t embrace the tradition as much, especially if they grow distant from someone they met in the hectic early weeks of Fresher’s, which I have seen many do. As a consequence, now, in Trinity term, the prospect of having college children can seem daunting, rather than enjoyable. 

My college wife and I, however, have taken advantage of this tradition, and only grown closer because of it. I can only hope that we have the opportunity to recreate our own experiences for our college children next year. We went as far to have ‘double dates’ with our friends that are college married, and even hosted a surprise wedding with some of our friends. From my understanding, some colleges organise socials for college weddings, and I know many people who have (and are in the process of) organised ceremonies with their friends. To me, this shows how people are accepting this tradition, and using it as a glorified excuse to celebrate friendship.

So, college families truly are what we make of them. From the attitudes of our college parents, to the involvement in college marriages, we can adopt the same enjoyment for our college children. My friends and I are already discussing the idea of being college parents, what we’ll do in Fresher’s Week, and things that we wish we knew. In this way, it is clear to me that we are genuinely embracing this Oxford tradition and the connections that can be built from it. This is because there is so much to be gained, and I can only urge that we all make the most of it.