Back in those August days of 2020, Liz Truss was very busy indeed.  She was negotiating trade deals hither and thither, and needed a cunning way to sell her new covenant with Japan.  It was an earth-shattering agreement expected to add 0.1% to our economy in the long-term – a hefty dose more than Liz’s recent activities – and thus was in extra need of that PR salesmanship that she was so known for after her paean to British cheese.  And lo, the Departmental twitter whipped out the following on Twitter:

‘The bakers used a lot of soya sauce in the first challenge on #GBBO, so it’s a good thing it will be made cheaper thanks to our trade deal with Japan.’

Unfortunately, this turned out to be humiliatingly false.  All it managed to incur was ridicule for the department and scorn heaped upon Liz Truss.  But she is nothing if not a fighter, and no-one could ever accuse her of being a quitter.  So, she rebounded, and spent the next two years clawing her way to the top of the greasy pole, appealing to the membership by accusing her colleagues of being poor-loving, tax-raising wolves in sheep’s clothing.  

She then achieved her prize after nearly getting clocked by those same colleagues in the MP’s vote over summer, where in the first round she snapped up only 50 votes (14% of Tories other than her).  It took only a determination to ignore her debate performance as rock-solid as her own determination to ignore economic orthodoxy for Tory members to be convinced she was the right woman for the job.  

It may or may not have helped that she spent a lot of time blathering on about their two favourite punching bags: taxes and Gordon Brown.  It may indicate the sorry state of the Conservative Party that they spent most of their Long March to the premiership discussing Labour’s thrice-former leader rather than its current one, as well as a new habit of causing TV presenters to faint live on air (one assumes with boredom).

But what of her performance since clunking into office, I hear you cry?  Well, dear reader who has clearly been living under a rock, it has not exactly been smooth sailing.  Liz Truss, I suspect, was doing one of two things: first, she was just highly unsuited to leadership, and aimed to demonstrate the folly of CCHQ’s candidate selection policies; or second, she was engaged in the perverse pursuit of ensuring there will never be a female prime minister again, something she may well succeed at considering Labour’s already tentative attitude towards women.

She and her sidekick Kwasi – a PhD-clad on-paper genius with genuine charisma and genuine think-tank disease – made their first mistake when they decided to follow through on their promises to the membership.  Instead of following the Sir Keir model, which was to lie through his teeth to the Corbyn luvvies until he was installed in the Leader’s Office, and then junk all the ‘common ownership’ foolishness and trade union support, lady Liz decided to grant her voters all kinds of goodies.  

Out went the top rate of tax; out went the rises in national insurance and corporation tax; out went the bankers’ bonuses cap; in came the 1p cut in the basic rate; in came a colossal and means test absent energy price guarantee that subsidised the well-off through the nose.  How would she pay for all this, asked the opposition, the BoE, and the OBR.  Shh, said Liz, and probably winked.  The markets were going to love that one, she thought.

Suffice it to say, the markets did not love it: the OBR was in, the Chancellor was out, and only 45 days in to her unhappy premiership, she is gone too.

So, what are the Tories to do?  Liz bequeathed them a -70 prime ministerial approval rating, and 23% in the polls, so perhaps they might enjoy third place at the next election.  It would be ironic indeed for the nationwide Unionist Party to be champing at the bit behind the Scottish nationalists.

However, I think it need not come to that.  After all, even in 1997 the Conservatives won 165 seats, which seems a generous amount compared to today’s predictions.  And it is there that lies the heart of my solution.  Liz Truss came in trying to emulate Margaret Thatcher.  Surely now that that’s failed, the logical next step is to try and imitate John Major?  

I’ll actually raise this suggestion once.  Considering he’s still alive, why not take some soundings and see if Sir John himself might be willing to make a return?  He could hardly do any worse than Liz’s imitation of the late Baroness; and besides, its very difficult to be a pastiche of yourself.

So, if they crack out the 1997 manifesto – they may as well go whole-hog on this – and get John back at the helm, they may find themselves retaining some seats.  After all, we don’t want to find ourselves feeling sorry for them…