In light of my upcoming birthday next week, I wanted to share some reflections on turning 22, and what I’ve learned about myself in the lead up to this moment. I’d like to caveat this by saying (I feel) that some of my most formative character development moments have happened during my Oxford years, but that isn’t to discount what I’ve learned outside of the Oxford bubble.
Lesson 1: Friends and boundaries
I think first and foremost, in the last year I’ve really come to understand the true meaning of friendship, and with that, the importance of boundaries. Recently, I decided to cut off a close friend of over 10 years because we shared an uncomfortable holiday together after the end of my first year. Instead of facing the hard truth that my former friend had put me in an uncomfortable position, he decided to brush it under the rug with the lines, “We’re alright. We’ve been friends for 10 years. It’s not that deep right?” But to me it was deep, and truth be told our friendship didn’t survive that holiday, as I believe we only spoke once after the trip. This isn’t to dissuade you from taking holidays with your friends. I’ve been on multiple holidays since with one of my closest friends in college, which not only have taken me on the trips of a lifetime, but have also allowed me to make some beautiful memories.
I’m confident that in the years to come we’ll both cherish the memories when we’re 80, hopefully sitting in a piazza somewhere sipping on Hugos, reminiscing over the life we’ve lived, and most likely creating new memories. I don’t intend to slow down at 80, health permitting. Circling back to boundaries, I genuinely do think the hallmark of a true friendship is that you set your limits and help your friends to understand your thought process, because if you don’t have open communication,things go unsaid, and a year will pass where you haven’t spoken. Personally, I find it difficult to let people into my inner circle, because I understand that there are many facets to who I am. I’m like a “marmite figure” so to speak – you either love me or hate me, and I’m okay with that. As such, I’m not the kind of person who can drift from having a deeply personal friendship with someone to seeing them on my timeline every once in a while, as if what we lived together didn’t happen. Whilst I’m grateful for the memories, I like to move forward instead of back into the past. Some might find that harsh, but I think given my lived experiences, it truly is the healthiest way to preserve my mental health.
Lesson 2: The work-life balance
Since returning to Oxford after spending my second year abroad, I think I’ve got a new lease on life in terms of maintaining a work-life balance. Despite crashing out over collections, I think I’m finding work more manageable. In my heart I know nothing productive is going to come from me working beyond 9pm – and even that to an extent feels late. Perhaps this has to do with the fact that my tutorials are slightly more spread out this year; in first year, we did an essay a week because of the way the joint honours system is structured, but now I have essay deadlines in odd weeks. This affords me some more time to work on essays in even weeks, in addition to the myriad (of) translations, presentations and grammar exercises I’m still doing. Even with 2 essays per odd week, I’m finding that with good time management I can make it work and still enjoy myself.
The other side of the work life balance has definitely shifted. I can’t speak for all third years, but despite being abroad last year, I’ve still gone on more nights out than I ever did in first year. Maybe I’ve changed, but I’ve still yet to have a really good club night. I know we’re barely into week three, but ever since coming back I’ve felt more comfortable staying in, putting a film on my projector, and just curling up on the sofa with a blanket, a glass of wine and being surrounded by my close friends. Maybe brat summer part two was the wrap – or maybe I’m still settling in. Either way, I take comfort in the fact that my work is getting done and that I’m using my spare time to be around my friends, who really are the reason why I smile and call Oxford home.
Lesson 3: “Your man is not in Oxford”
I thought for the final lesson of this piece, I’d think back to a particularly entertaining moment in first year: going out for my first ever May Day. Whilst most people usually do the whole rotation of clubs drunk, I had an essay due in the next two days. So, instead of pre-ing with friends, I spent the first portion of the night with my good friend SOLO. After spending a decent amount of time on the essay, I left for ATIK with a group of friends from college. It was there where I told one of my friends about my lack of a love life (let’s be so for real), and the gruelling situationship I had spent first year on with a guy from the other place. After trying to maintain some hope that I could maybe have an Oxford boyfriend, my friend chimed in, and said in his rather drunken state, “Your man is not in Oxford”. Whilst I’ve only been back for what feels like five minutes, I wouldn’t disagree. Whilst I would love to be in a relationship during my time here, I think three years on, the dating scene is as dire as it was the moment we/I arrived. There are the lucky few who get to be those Oxford couples, who are paraded by college social media teams years after we graduate, who have the classic ‘freshers’ meet cute, or those who meet in some shared society and go on to get married and live their fairy-tale, and the bystanders like me who get to cheer them on from the sidelines. With my current workload, and a projected 12 tutorial term on just one side of my degree in Trinity, I’ll leave the lovebirds to it. If I have one takeaway from this fabulous quote which to this day brings me a lot of laughter, I would say it’s time to stop looking. If you spend your time at Oxford obsessing over finding a man/woman/enby, chances are you’re probably not going to find them.
So, now that I’m slightly older and wiser, I’ve come to appreciate that there are some friendships that endure a lifetime, and others that are there solely to teach you a life lesson. I’ve also learned that no deadline is worth compromising/harming your mental or physical health, that staying in is a lot more appealing, and that I’m not going to spend the rest of my final two years obsessing over the fact that I couldn’t be more single. I’m happy, healthy, in the best company and, truth be told, there’s no place I’d rather be than back in Oxford with my chosen family. I hope you’ll raise a glass for me if you’ve made it this far. “Here’s to 22.”