I recently sat down with my friend Arek and had a very long conversation about Imposter Syndrome. When I decided to write this article, I was in the kitchen making dinner with some friends, and sitting down to have a think, I posed the question to the room: has anyone ever felt Imposter Syndrome? I was very surprised when Arek answered with the most enthusiastic “YES” in milliseconds. 

You see, to me, Arek has always seemed the most put-together person I know. He’s a second-year Economics & Management student, always seeming to be running around doing something important. The other day he ran past me in a suit after some sort of Zoom meeting, and then about five minutes later he was running back the other way again in more casual attire to go to a society event. Last Trinity I would go to the library and find that he had already been there for hours. Even when I left, he would still be there. During the summer he did a top-level internship in the corporate finance division and he is a part of many societies. Simply put, he seems like a man who has his stuff together, and the last person I would have thought to struggle with Imposter Syndrome as I do.

But this is the main problem with Imposter Syndrome, it isolates you. You feel like you shouldn’t be included and no one else understands because – quite frankly – you’re not good enough or you don’t deserve to be here. You see others as perfect, put-together humans, when really, they are quite likely to be feeling imposter syndrome too.

I wanted to gather both of our experiences of Imposter Syndrome and put it to paper. So I sat down with Arek and we talked. Our chat covered a few different areas such as why we feel Imposter Syndrome, the work-life balance, and how we can fight against it.

So, why do we feel Imposter Syndrome?

This is how Arek saw it:

  • When I sometimes look at the things I have done or the things I am doing… I think, from my perspective, I know myself quite well, and I don’t quite believe that where I am is where I deserve to be.
  • Sometimes I think it’s just a bit of luck.
  • I could be doing more that would actually make me deserving of my place.
  • Other people are doing more.
  • I see people at meetings and socials and I see how much they’re doing, how much effort they must be putting in.

When I asked Arek he shared many of these thoughts and feelings I described. After a while it became clear that the main reason that these thoughts plagued him is because he is constantly comparing himself to the people around him. He described it as intimidating that so many people at this university excel in very niche areas. It is a sentiment I completely agree with, because the truth is, it can get unnerving at times when we feel left behind. We automatically turn inwards, questioning our own value in comparison. 

“By nature a collection of incredible people who are just so good at what they’re doing is going to be intimidating… especially when you find someone doing something completely different to you. For example I’m a numbers guy and when I see someone absolutely nailing it in History I’m just like ‘oh my god they know everything about history’, how do I even compare?” He continues, saying

“We are in a place with so many people from all walks of life with all these different interests and some people are just incredible at very niche things…You think about how amazing they are and you compare yourself to them, to your perception of them, and you find that maybe you’re not as good, maybe you shouldn’t be here.”

It is an interesting point: when we ‘compare’ ourselves, we are not really measuring ourselves up against the people themselves, only our perceptions of them. Our own subjective preconceptions often get in the way. We know all our flaws and most people don’t outwardly present theirs so openly, often leading us to make the assumption that other people have it all together. They may well not, struggling with things not so different from ourselves.

What about a work-life balance?

One of the things I find the most difficult about Oxford is the ever-present workload. It feels like I will never complete my never-ending to-do list and even if I finish my essay or my reading list, there is always more to do. This can often lead to a train of thoughts that start with ‘I’m not good enough’ and finish with ‘I must work harder, I must only work all the time and do nothing else’. Yet, the frustrating paradox is that I am also expected to engage with extracurricular activities and become a well-rounded person rather than a lifeless, loveless, academic machine. It can feel like there just aren’t enough hours in the day to become this person I feel expected to be. It is an overwhelming and anxiety-inducing experience not feeling able to live up to that standard.

In my conversation with Arek we discussed how societies can be important for our wellbeing.  Societies do not produce the quantifiable scores that we tend to use to measure our self worth, while our degrees do. It is easy to measure our attainment this way, and it becomes incredibly easy to centre one’s whole life around work. It is dangerous when we start to use grades to define our self worth, particularly surrounding Imposter Syndrome:

“It’s easy to see progress and a sense of value in those scores. In reality they are in no way indicative of our value as people, but you can easily compare them to other people’s and think ‘oh, they’re better than me and they’re here so maybe I shouldn’t be here’”. 

Yet again, we are constantly comparing ourselves to others. But why should we strive to imitate the rate of progress and growth of those around us? Why should we have to be in a set number of societies or have a certain grade better than those around us?

And while it is easier said than done, the truth is it’s not about comparing ourselves to other people. Everyone here has such niche interests, and we should be celebrating the beauty of this diversity. We should enjoy our differences, rather than use them to isolate ourselves. 

So, how can we even try to combat Imposter Syndrome? 

As I hope my conversation with Arek shows, talking to others can be the best medicine. Sharing our experiences can help us feel just a little less alone. Arek says “the answer is finding community, finding people. If you find genuine people who have the same experiences as you, when you get to know them you feel so much less isolated. You can hear from them that this is ok, the way I feel and the things I go through; it’s all ok. Feeling represented, or feeling like that person that seems perfect actually feels the same way as you…this is so important.”

I completely agree.The answer to this constant self-comparison and isolation is to be more open. Although it’s easier said than done, the only way to properly combat Imposter Syndrome is to talk about it. So please, go for it, share how you’re feeling with others. It was so validating for me to have this conversation with Arek and realise that neither of us are alone.

“Don’t be too afraid to fail or to make a mistake. When I first started here and saw all the deadlines, they seemed like such ominous things that would decide my fate, I had feelings like ‘if I don’t submit everything I shall die!’ It’s easy to assign your work such a priority and such a weight but let me tell you, work doesn’t have it all.” 

“Being in perpetual fear of failure takes away all enjoyment from your degree. While it sucks – I would know – it is not a life-or-death situation to miss a deadline. Just take small steps to try and get over that fear. You will make mistakes, but if you’ve gotten this far and that is impressive in itself.“

The truth is, fear of inadequacy and fear of failure is not something that has to isolate you, however hard. So try to be kind to yourself, and remember: you are not alone.