I am a Big Girl now, almost in my SECOND DECADE!! Yippee! Happy birthday to me! Through all this ageing I have become a very wise woman, learning to always prioritise a museum shop over the museum itself. Therefore (and because I am a vessel of truth for our society) I have taken it upon myself to write for the good of the people and list all the major things I’ve learned during my time being alive. Basically, what you’ll find is that I’ve overshared, which is another thing that I’ve found valuable in my Old Age. 

Welcome to a list reeking of frivolity, detailing minor inconveniences, their simple solutions, and drizzlings of advice of the deepest gravity. You will find how I am both deeply grounded and aspire literally so much to change the world for good (re:croissants). 

Some of my values:

1) Abolish wet rooms. What’s the point? My friend said that when she was in South Korea, the shower was above the sink and used the very same tap, so for three weeks before work she blasted her face with the shower, meaning to turn on the tap. Clearly, this shows that wet rooms are hugely irritating. ‘Abolishing wet rooms’ became a central tenet of my core values after staying in a school in Bangalore, India for seven weeks. It had a fairly humid environment, yet my bathroom exhibited no divide between shower (hot-wet-sticky) and the drying area (hot-sticky). In this environment it is deeply necessary to have a drying area, because the outside world is also hot-wet-sticky. Moreover – and this was crucial for my white tourist self – one requires constant full coverage of the naked body with insect repellent, making you EVEN MORE STICKY. The shower, for me, therefore functioned purely as a ‘de-smelling zone’ rather than a ‘smooth maker’ or a ‘clean machine’. Not to bang on, but the key problem with wet rooms is FEET. I would have fitted in so well with the disciples because I am deeply bothered about my feet being clean. I wash them every night and I frequently exhibit a sock indoors. But when the ENTIRE WASHROOM is acting like a PUDDLE it is very difficult to keep them clean. Especially when I haven’t dusted my room. And it’s too hot for socks. STOP WET ROOMS!!!! They’re not cool, edgy or lux!! They’re self-defeating!!! Stop it!!

2) Talk about your poos. You’ll find a friend with IBS so much faster if you just CONFESS how long you spend on the bog, and that you’re now on level 553 of Watersort. Poo-chat is essential to strong friendships, which is possibly to do with something profound, like intimacy. Also, try to understand your stomach. She will be with you forever and will not think twice before making her presence known at important social gatherings. Respect and appreciate her as her authentic self, on her own terms. 

3) Serve croissants on plates at LEAST twice their size, or there will be decimation, terror, and horror for all involved. You will find yourself sweeping crumbs off the table with a napkin you are still using, as though those crumbs are yours and yours alone, and you are in control of them. You are not. They are indistinguishable from the carnage of the last croissant massacre to occur at that table. Man up. 

4) Put lots of little lights on. Little lights are infinitely better than the Big Light. There’s a reason the Big Light has its own name deserving capital letters – it has settled not for success, nor fame, but notoriety, Oscar Wilde’s last resort. In most aspects of my life I care deeply about the environment and try to make changes to reduce my impact on it. But in the feng shui department of my life? I don’t care about the environment where ambience is concerned. Fetch my lamps. 

5) You should be able to try on pants before you buy them. Listen up, listen up – I am not silly, I know why we don’t try on pants, and I think that is sensible. But committing to buying a full pack of five pairs of pants when you have no idea how they will fit is a leap into the hands of Fate. I bought some pants in year eight which appeared to be fine, but on wearing I found that the shape was terrible – they were baggy, constantly falling down and had massive VPL. The double edged knife of PANT CHANCE is that if you like the pants, you’ll wear them more and they’ll die quicker. But if you are haunted by the BAD PANT? They linger forever, like my year eight M&S pants, living boldly on through my university years. To solve this, I am suggesting that each packet comes with paper pants maybe? To try and discard? Or maybe a new prospect for AI pants?? Watch this space.

And, finally… 

6) It is a truth universally acknowledged that the penis could do with an immediate ‘resurrection’ feature. Again, again! What a scandalous topic for a column! Cheeky! But I am coming at this from both a logistical and frankly pitying perspective. Women can orgasm many times with a simple (?), caress-the-button feature. It is a sad time for the rapidly exhausted penis battery. John Wilmot, Earl of Rochester has written a whole poem on this, which I found while studying him this week. Rochester speaks for me on this matter in ways which I will leave for you to interpret: 

“Now languid lies in this unhappy hour,

Shrunk up and sapless like a withered flower.” 


“Smiling, she chides in a kind murmuring noise,

And from her body wipes the clammy joys,

When, with a thousand kisses wandering o’er

My panting bosom, “Is there then no more?”

She cries. “All this to love and rapture’s due;

Must we not pay a debt to pleasure too?”

    But I, the most forlorn, lost man alive,

To show my wished obedience vainly strive”