On Wednesday 11 February, New College’s Middle Common Room hosted an intercollege speed dating event. Master’s and DPhil students alike gathered in the Pavillion of the Weston buildings, ready and (mostly) willing to be guided through snappy, 10-minute dates. The room was divided into creatively curated sections; the gossip corner, double dates over Table Football, two traditional deck chairs made up the beach area, the classic speed dating section, the prompt tables, the more intimate space on the sofas, and the classic bar date. I reluctantly and nervously joined them.
Unfortunately, I am not the most confident person in the world. I found myself flitting around the room, flustered and erratic, struggling to pluck up the courage to approach someone. The hardest part was sitting down. And, honestly, I wasn’t good at it. Eventually, I took refuge at the bar.
“The first [round] is the most difficult because no one knows what to do,” one New College speed dater told me. Nonetheless, this singleton found that they didn’t need the prompts or the list of 60 questions that Jackson Moore, the event organiser, had helpfully created and printed for us. I, on the other hand, definitely did. At least at first. As the time went on, I found myself needing the questions less and less as I was drawn to learning more about the intricacies of my date’s answers. The aforementioned speed dater also noted that part of the experience was making the effort to explore possible connections even if you are not initially attracted to your dates. So, does speed dating allow us to see beyond physical appearance as we search for romance?
In the midst of the action on Wednesday, another speed dater from Mansfield College told me that she was spending more time making friends at the event than going on romantic dates. Her positive attitude to the prospect of platonic connections, as well as romantic, encouraged me to view speed dating as something you go into without expectations. It is an opportunity to be open and explore the potential of human intimacy. Dating apps, on the other hand, foreclose the possibility of anything that isn’t romantic or sexual. This puts a lot more pressure on every interaction you have. Could it be said, then, that speed dating is less superficial than online dating?
Speaking to students outside the Radcliffe Camera Library earlier this week for The Oxford Blue street interviews, I got the impression that speed dating was seen as more superficial than blind dating. Maybe even as superficial as online dating. But having witnessed New College’s MCR speed dating in action, it seems that online dating might just win the superficiality contest.
Dating apps these days seem to be oriented towards gym selfies, maximising one’s aesthetic appeal, and increasing your chances with Hinge Premium. When asked about the difference between dating in person and via apps, one of our anonymous speed daters said that “seeing the person from the beginning is better” because you get a feel for the person’s personality. You can build the romance on a foundation of friendship without filtering the interactions through images and screens. Without the intentional curation and the more-or-less complete focus on romantic and sexual tension that dominates dating apps, growing or nurturing a physical attraction to someone could come more naturally. You can see the little things about them, you can gauge the physical vibe, “you can talk through the eyes.”
Furthermore, given how small Oxford is, it truly does seem that everyone knows everyone. During our street interviews, I was told that some students have even found their tutors on Hinge. To me, this adds an inorganic perhaps even awkward layer to in-person interactions that I would personally rather avoid in such close quarters. This is not to say that dating apps are all bad…it just seems that there might be better ways, in the strange and wonderful microcosm that is Oxford, to date with ease.
Is it possible, then, that the best way to meet someone might just be in person? Whether you pluck up the courage to ask someone you’ve seen in class for a drink at one of Oxford’s many cosy (and potentially romantic) pubs, you take the leap and say “hi” to the person at a BOP who has really good style, or you ask the barista you’ve been crushing on for their number or Instagram (for the love of God, please don’t ask for their LinkedIn), there is a level of authenticity offline that the apps lack. While speed dating in Oxford seems to be limited to the Valentine’s period, there is definitely something to be said for its ability to bring together people from different colleges, degrees, and with wildly different personalities who might not have crossed paths otherwise.
The atmosphere at New College’s MCR event, while not without nerves, was lively, exciting, and daring. I saw so many people step out of their comfort zones and open themselves up to the possibility of making new platonic and romantic connections. To apply classic academic logic to the process, speed dating truly made us all “lock in” on the act of getting to know a person, and earnestly focus our typically divided attention on one person.
Online dating culture works for some (you lucky ducks) and is decidedly turbulent for others. The primacy of aesthetic value over personality, morals, and—dare I say—vibes can be a real barrier. Particularly when the goal often seems to be to match with as many hot people as possible. Apps like Hinge have attempted to mitigate the epidemic of mass matching, a practice that I firmly believe turns online dating into a mildly cruel game of Pokémon Go. Despite the introduction of “Your Turn Limits” to the app in 2024, there are still ways around these restrictions, such as hiding your matches…
Whether from first hand experience or second-hand horror stories, I think most of us are familiar with the time-worn phrase “Sorry, I barely ever use this app” after your carefully crafted message has been left unanswered for days, or even weeks. Perhaps you have even found yourself sheepishly typing that particular sentence with guilty thumbs once or twice. Speed dating allows you to challenge your snap judgements about the person sitting opposite you in a focused and, frankly, inescapable setting. No ghosting, no attempts at Instagram stalking, no overthinking your responses. Just 10 intense minutes of real human connection.