Recently, while I was hanging out with a group of people at church, someone mentioned that I was an American, to which someone else retorted that I was not American. And while I don’t check my passport often, due in part to the fact that my passport photo looks like it’s from the “America’s Most Wanted” list, I’m pretty sure I know my nationality. Despite my initial annoyance, however, this experience got me thinking that if I was so good at not being an American, I could offer up a tip or two to someone else who wanted to hide their Americanness while abroad. With that in mind, I have tried to come up with a few suggestions for you to travel around Europe and not be caught dead as a gun-toting American.
Be black. While this is definitely not going to fool everyone, as a black American, I promise you that it will most certainly put a wrench into the thoughts of more people than you think. Now, I definitely understand that for our lighter-skinned compatriots around here, this might be a bit of a challenge, but don’t worry—I’ve got it covered. All that Jergens tanning lotion in your drawer? Just slather a few rounds on, and don’t accidentally slip up by saying you’re from Chicago.
Retire early. Most Europeans won’t blink an eye at someone for taking a month-long holiday followed by a two-week long sick leave, or ask what your compassionate leave on a random Tuesday was for. (It definitely wasn’t because you just didn’t want to go to work.) So, don’t worry about cutting to the chase and just saying that at the ripe old age of twenty-five, you decided to take a slightly early retirement in order to better enjoy the fruits of your hard-earned labor. You’ll fit right in.
Become an alcoholic. If you are an American new to Europe, perhaps you might be feeling a bout of seasonal depression because the sun sets at four o’clock. Or perhaps you’re a bit insecure and you struggle with talking to that cute person at the pub. Or perhaps you got hit by a car when you were cycling to work. No matter what the issue is, European culture has the perfect answer for it: alcohol. There’s no need for a functioning healthcare system when you have the best drug around!
Be obsessed with Americans. While this one seems a bit counter-intuitive, it is by far the most critical for assimilating into European culture. If you’re anything like me, you probably deeply love your country and speak of it often. However, instead of speaking of it highly, here is your never-ending chance to bash it. It’s important that you start off with the classic of Americans not having any culture, while simultaneously consuming American news, media, and entertainment. Migrate into jokes about how Americans are obnoxious and have AK-47s in their back pockets, while also wishing you could take a trip to Florida or NYC. This one might be the hardest for my fellow proud Americans, but always know that whether you are trying to assimilate or want to stand proud of your heritage, you can simply fall back on the honest and well-received jokes about having no clue where Nebraska is.
While this might not be a comprehensive list about how to not be an American as an American in Europe, mixing one or two of these suggestions is sure to give Europeans a run for their money. You might even want to throw your passport in the trash because you’ll never need it again. Happy hiding as an American undercover!