“I am a mosaic of everyone I have ever loved, even for a heartbeat”. I have heard this phrase dozens of times, and it has never rung truer than after completing my first term at Oxford. To understand my own identity, I look at the characteristics and habits of my friends and family, which influence my own actions and behaviour. Yet, this makes me wonder, in starting from scratch at university, with new friends and new habits, has my own identity changed? Am I a different person than I was when I arrived almost two months ago?
The answer is yes.
At least, it definitely feels that way.
After spending so many years with the same people, I became so used to our identities and how we all fit together: our personalities, interests, phrases and inside jokes, values, and beliefs. Before university, I spoke with slang my best friends used, picked up little habits from my family, and had followed routines that were so deeply ingrained in how I lived my life – waking up at 6:45am every morning, meeting my friends in the same spot at school, and complaining about the time and the on-brand rainy English weather. Here, however, the overwhelming sense of naivety felt since the beginning changes us entirely. I can’t quite pinpoint the moment when some of these habits began to fade, when I started to speak less in our inside jokes, but, as I reflect on this term, I don’t view this as a loss. Instead, by finding an entirely new group of people – and meeting more day by day – I see this term as finally giving me the chance to grow up, to learn more about the person that I can be.
Now, I start to speak in new slang and I have gotten into new routines, like knocking on my friend’s door every time I come back to college, or texting my friends before I go to dinner in hall. I do this all while saying things like “meet at plodge!” or “don’t forget your bod card!”, which are phrases that don’t even sound real outside of our little bubble. So, I believe our personalities are shaped by the people and the environment that we surround ourselves with, and that it is inevitable that this changes how we feel about ourselves. But I’ve also come to realise that it changes how other people see us. There are Oxford experiences that I have lived that my friends at home would think are very out of character for me. Equally, there are aspects of my personality that I have come into since being here that my new friends can scarcely believe haven’t always been a part of my life (I mean, the amount of times my friends have expressed genuine surprise that I don’t see myself as an extrovert has shocked no one more than me).
Nonetheless, in exposing myself to the so-called ‘Oxford experience’, I have realised what parts of my identity are truly my own, and it is from these pillars of my personality that I have found some of my closest friends. It is impossible to describe the feeling of finding someone who you see so much of yourself in, and therefore realising how you view yourself. The transition from being the oldest kids in secondary school to the stereotypical naïve freshers can be daunting. I see this especially when everyone I meet hasn’t had the same experiences that I have, nor do they relate to details about my life that, before Oxford, I could mention in passing and be immediately understood. But, in hearing people discuss my favourite movies, music genres, or niche references, I know just how similar we all are. A simple reference to Hamilton that ended in my friends and I singing as we walked out of college reminded me that, despite our differing backgrounds, our personalities all fit together perfectly.
From these experiences, I understand that it is not a loss to forget some of my old routines and habits, but that it is a privilege to learn new ones, and to share my identity with so many new people. Even where my interests and traits remain unique, I get to share them with people here, and watch how they pick up on my habits or learn to love things that shaped the person that I’ve become over the years. Watching films from my childhood or cooking my favourite meals for my friends helps to shape us all, as it gives us the chance to remember who we are, and who we’ve been.
On the question of whether we grow or change entirely, my view is that change is inescapable in its many forms; how much we change just depends on how we embrace it – and Oxford is there for the taking. Looking back on this term, I like to think that I’ve changed because I have given myself the chance to. By being open, speaking to everyone, joining societies, and attending any event that even vaguely catches my interest, I can’t see how I could have ever really stayed the same. That doesn’t make me a different person, but just one who knows more, who’s seen more, and who’s done more. Our identities aren’t fixed constructs, but ever-changing, full of new interests waiting to be discovered, and old interests waiting to be revitalised. It’s all just dependent on meeting the right people – people who will love these things as much as we once did, or as we will learn to.
My first term at Oxford has given me a fresh insight into my own character and sense of self. It isn’t permanent or complete, but simply a blank page with a faded outline that I created in the years before I arrived. I now have three years to go over these outlines, and erase or draw over them as I see fit.
In typical Oxford style, people are ambitious and determined as they look towards their futures, already seeking out opportunities and internships (even in first term!). What I’ve realised this term, however, is just how difficult it is to genuinely look into the future. Six months ago, I would have described myself as introverted and content with the routine I had since primary school, but, in only eight weeks here, I have grown – yet, not entirely changed – dramatically. I have found new passions, opportunities, experiences, and friends, many of which I never could’ve imagined.
Any one day in Oxford, or meeting any one person, can change our identities and the trajectories of our lives forever. So, I don’t know how I will develop as a person in the coming terms and years of my degree. Be that as it may, the one thing that I can say with full certainty is that I cannot wait to see how all of us continue to grow and change.
I always said, “Oxford is waiting for me”, but now, Oxford, I am waiting for you.