Smoking someone else’s straight, now they want my secrets in exchange
It’s controversial loving him, his friends want to know–
Can’t read me through the hideous body language
Bassbeat in the background, can’t breathe but it’s bliss
I drink spirits from the bottle like it’s regal.
Imagined writing this, wondering what they’d say
Veiled with the black lace of past months, sitting on the curb
Security guards watching me like a liability
My dishevelled hair is a choice, I rake claws through it while I dance
He’s in the corner of my eye so I forget about my thoughts
Make expressions only he would recognise
Another mutual demolishes my daze, another question: “get your own lover”
The music gets louder, my nerves sync with the lyrics,
Can’t remember the last time I wasn’t driven by an altered heart
They want to play cupid as if they know things we said seasons ago
Cacophony of half-strangers I hold onto in the morning
So we talk, and nothing has changed.
I want to cry glitter and they’re disappointed by my bewitched gaze but
I trust it with the excuse of nineteen
Disconsolate and incoherent mirror, will I rupture everything for this?
Still neutral, lovesickness is embedded in my flesh like an implant
Push my hands down my body harder when he drags me back,
I run away, I’ll never not be flighty
The drinks stain my mouth like the gloss I bit off my lips
Imitating substance abuse before it ruins my life
Ripping off the armour here where only I will remember
I crave it every night