Let’s set the scene. It started as a friendship, or a hook-up, or a first date. It’s been going on for some time, and now you’ve caught feelings. Don’t panic – it happens to the best of us. But suddenly, you’re faced with the challenge of having ‘the talk’. It determines your relationship status, your level of commitment, your mutually agreed upon ‘code of conduct’, as it were. There’s a lot of pressure, and faint-heartedly you start to question if it really needs to happen. There’s an unspoken agreement, isn’t there? You both know what you are, right? Wrong. A safe bet is to assume nothing is set in stone until it’s been discussed. If you want a relationship, or any degree of exclusivity, then you need to communicate that desire, or forever hold your peace.
Despite all of this, it doesn’t have to be some ceremonious occasion. Avoid declaring that you want to chat to prevent unnecessary tension. It’s not something that needs to be decided upon but, rather, brought up casually. It may seem obvious, but a grave ‘we need to talk’ text is not the way to go. It’s a good idea to pre-plan saying it, though, and set some groundwork. Make sure you’re alone together in a place where you can comfortably speak and express emotions, and without time restrictions on your conversation. If you have a tute at noon, don’t meet at 11.30.
When the talk is happening, however, it needs to be signposted – said with ‘chest’ (for want of a more formal expression). The talk itself will be specific to you, your preferences, and your relationship, but be clear on where you stand, because if you’re not you might find yourself conforming to what they want. Of course, compromising isn’t always bad, but in the context of a relationship, what you want is not really up for debate. Your views should align with, not reluctantly mould to, the other person’s. It’s also good to have given it some thought beforehand so that you’re actually giving them something to respond to, as opposed to a disordered stream of half-formed thoughts.
Tone is everything. It is fully possible to have a light-hearted conversation about a serious topic, but not when what you say is delivered in monotone. Remember that it’s not an interview or an interrogation. If it gets tense, remind them that they do not have to come up with an answer right away. And it is perfectly fine to feel self-conscious as the person initiating the conversation. It is no secret that it can be a bit embarrassing being so open and vulnerable with your feelings, but it doesn’t have to be perfect. Vocalise exactly how you feel! This isn’t a performance, so act and react as feels natural. A little bit of self-deprecation can go a long way; laugh at yourself if you want, stumble on your words, say how nervous you are, disclaim as much as you need to, as long as you say what you need to say.
There is no right way ‘in’ to the talk – it could be slightly awkward, but that is nothing to run away from. Ultimately, if you can’t speak about doing something, then you certainly can’t do that thing. Similarly, if the other person is unresponsive, it’s a good indication of their emotional unpreparedness for what you are suggesting.
Perhaps an uncommon opinion, but ‘the talk’ should be a bit fun. Don’t overthink it because it will likely be one of many attempts at connecting with people. Of course, there is no absolute guarantee that it’ll go smoothly. You may not speak as eloquently as you imagined in your head, or you might get rejected – any number of things can happen. But part of the preparatory process is accepting that, as much as you can prepare, the outcome is out of your control.
All you can do is commit to your own thoughts and desires. Rejection is not a negative thing. Rather, it is a sign that you put yourself out of your comfort zone and communicated your feelings with the knowledge that they might not be reciprocated. It’s all part of the process, ‘the talk’ will become less daunting over time, and, however badly it goes, it’ll add to your XP.