‘Giving my Two Cents on Love’… Before I spend a lot more on a Valentine’s Day gift.
As Valentine’s day is upon us, I recall something a friend mentioned as we walked past the Card Factory at a similar time a few years ago. It went something along the lines of ‘love is just a social construct that companies propagate so we buy more cards and teddy bears’. Despite the humorous intent of his antagonism, I have come across cynicism that pertains to the realities of love and how we must accept that it strays vastly from the ideals of the Notebook and When Harry Met Sally.
However, in my infinite wisdom of 19 years of age, I come from a position quite contradictory to this. Love, in reality, is a lot of things, but it is certainly not something to be cynical about. Once it is truly felt, I hold that it is something worth raving about. Here, I take you on a whistle-stop tour of my key takeaways on love – which I am sure will likely have changed if you ask me again next year – including points upon which people often differ. I want to preface that I will primarily be referring to romantic love as extending this across the love of oneself, to the love of a religious entity to the love of material goods would be too much to grapple with. Plus, it’s February 14th, so there is no better time!
Love is rarely 50/50
This one is relatively widely held, but sometimes not in the best way. Instances where one gives much more extensively and consistently than one’s partner and never really receives much in return will never bode well. However, there also cannot be the expectation that you and your partner will be consistently able to provide equal moral, physical and emotional support to each other. Life is constantly in flux; one week might be difficult for them and less so for you. In those scenarios, a partner may be slightly shorter with you, somewhat detached or less able to spend much time with you. Love acts as a lens for those moments. Rather than feel annoyed that things are a bit off or dramatising the situation, you want to take up the slack and strike an 80/20 for a little while. This, of course, stems from a desire to support them but is also sustained through the mutual understanding that the days will come when they can give much more than you, and will happily hold and care for you without question.
Of course, this rests on the assumption that the off days do not coincide. It may be the case that you two can support one another, but it is an act of love to communicate when you don’t feel capable and might drag the other down. I make a side point that, in these cases, relying on valued friendships is vital. Suppose you both can feel confident in the networks surrounding and supporting your partner and don’t feel weighed down by the sometimes heavy burden of being their only port of call. (Trust me, this can be dangerous!) In that case, you can recognise that you are together, not out of necessity but to add something to one another’s already perfectly good lives. Being comfortable with giving more when you can and turning to other channels when you cannot is a core foundation for a healthy relationship.
Love is compelling
I find myself surfing Amazon at ungodly times of the morning with minimal direction looking for something to send my girlfriend. Is there an occasion? No. Is there something particular that she needs? No. And yet I find myself, someone who grew up avoiding spending any money like the plague, just trying to find a little something – anything – to send to her door. An embarrassing admission, I know, but seeing a tweet about it recently made me feel less alone in this urge. There’s an intangible draw that cannot really be explained; an inner compulsion to plot your next scheme to bring a smile to their face. You find yourself making your room spotless when they wouldn’t mind if clothes were all over the floor. You find yourself battling against an inability to cook when they wouldn’t mind a bowl of pasta. You find yourself working on essays until the early hours with no resentment if it allows you to spend the day with them. Perhaps this paragraph would have been better-titled “Love is irrational.” People definitely do things in the name of love that are completely ridiculous, flamboyant and, on occasion, deeply irresponsible. However, the powerful, inexplicable internal pull to do such things that make your person feel valued and special in their being is so unnecessary and sometimes risible that, in my opinion, renders love not irrational at all.
Love is a continuum
If there is a limit to it, then I haven’t found it yet. My stress on the comment that it is continuous comes from my opinion that the recent social emphasis on saying ‘I love you’ at a very particular time seems to imply that there is a cut-off point or a discrete characterisation of love. That is to say, it suggests two time frames: a before moment when one is not in love and an after when one is. I believe there are plenty of cases where people say this to each other when they do not really mean it. I also do not deny the fact that people often do not fall in love immediately, and there can be a distinct moment when you feel it for the first time. However, I take issue with the idea that love then remains in the same form from that point onwards. I don’t feel the modern English language can adequately express the continued development and deepening that is possible. Adding a ‘really’, ‘truly’ or ‘deeply’ to the standard phrase doesn’t really cut it. You get to the point where you want to be able to say the words in bold or shake into the person that you love them but so much more ardently than when you said it 1, 5 or 15 years ago. This is not to extinguish any value from new or early-stage love, but to emphasise that with the right person, the feeling gets stronger with time, contrary to the ‘honeymoon phase’ phenomena.
Finally, and perhaps a more controversial take, love can slide in different directions along that continuum. Regarding ex-partners, I believe it is possible to have an enduring love for them (of course, I am excluding any ex-partners who have caused harm to another). Very unlike being in love with them, or having any inclination to be with them romantically or even spend time with them at all, there can be an unspoken acknowledgement of mutual care where an alternative type of love has stood before. An acknowledgment that you were both an important part of each other’s development, particularly if this relationship came at a formative time when you were both growing as people. They don’t cross your mind at all, apart from when sharing a fond memory, and you know that you both wish all the best things for the other. I have long debated with myself if this can be constituted as love. Although I think it manifests very differently from what I have discussed above, I believe that latent care is reflective of a love that once was – now translated to the paths you each find yourselves upon.
Love could be a social construct, and perhaps I am the complete fool that forms Card Factory’s gullible target market. Alternatively, love could very much be essentially contestable and only attributed to subjective experience. I may be talking about something entirely different to anything you, the reader, have experienced. However, likely to the dismay of any philosophy tutor I have had, I think ignorance may be bliss on this matter. I would not trade the love I believe I have felt, and it makes me hopeful for the future too. I acknowledge the privilege I have enjoyed to be able to share and express that love freely. I don’t think I can make any bold claims about what love actually is – I am no Plato or Aristotle – but I do believe we can use experience to observe its complex features. All in all, no matter what your plans are for Valentine’s this year, I wouldn’t give up on it; it is absolutely class.