As my 21st birthday, and supposed maturity, fast approaches, I have begun to consider how much I’ve changed in the last few years as I have slowly been making my way to becoming an adult woman. In recent months, I have been reflecting more and more on this growth, and how much my coming of age differed to that of my female friends. This difference was most visible to me in how long it took me to grapple with certain specific aspects of womanhood. I felt out of depth with cosmetic routines and physical changes, and lacked confidence in myself and my identity. These differences were a result of the passing of my mother, my main female role model, when I was 17. Because of this loss on the cusp of adulthood, I found myself without a map to guide me through the transition to womanhood; whilst my friends continued to learn from their mothers, I could not.
Although I would have described myself as “basically an adult”, I was still very impressionable. I truly knew nothing of who I was or wanted to be, and this event undeniably changed the trajectory of my path to womanhood. At this point I was trying desperately to recreate what I knew of femininity which was entirely based on her image. I was terrified of being left behind and felt the need to do all of my maturing at once.
However, as I was trying to replicate what she had shown me of adulthood, whilst simultaneously trying to carve out my own identity, I began shoehorning myself into categories that I didn’t fit into. This was fundamentally coming from a place of needing to have control over who I was: I wanted to feel as though I could take care of myself and be confident in every aspect of my identity.
This, however, was not what was happening. My own coming of age was combined with images of my mother, therefore how I viewed myself and her became inextricably intertwined. I knew little of how to actually navigate this maturing and changing within myself, instead creating a façade of self-assurance. I thought that if I projected a strong sense of womanhood outwardly, then I would eventually convince myself to feel this confidence internally. Without this maternal relationship to rely on, the experience of entering adulthood was overwhelming and confusing at times. Whilst makeup and clothing may seem insignificant, I was entirely clueless about them so they became symbols of my falling behind which I was worried would be noticed by those around me. I felt as though I was lacking.
Going to university and talking to female friends were both important steps. Understanding their experiences of womanhood showed me that I didn’t have to replicate my own identity in the image of how my mother expressed hers. These conversations helped me to realise that it is such a personal journey, and that we as women can all use this time of transition to create our own space and sense of self. Although I still take pride in the similarities between my mother and myself, I can now acknowledge the differences too. Understanding that she and I are distinct, separate people has given me even more respect for her as an individual – something that I hope I may one day feel for myself too.
Through talking with my friends, it has become apparent that although I felt as though I was desperately scrambling to keep up, almost no one feels secure during this tumultuous period of change. And although I may have felt behind in certain aspects, I was actually maturing quicker in others. No one was growing at the same rate.
But above all, I came to the conclusion that none of it matters. Everyone should be able to express themselves in line with their identity, however they choose to define it. Although we are undoubtedly influenced by the people around us, our own understandings of what it means to be who we are – especially as members of a marginalised gender – should not have to conform to a set of societal ideals. It will change and grow with us over time. Through the guesswork of my young adult years I came to understand that the term ‘woman’ is flexible, and that there isn’t just one way to do it. Growth was personal and it would come to me in time. I would not dare to pretend that I knew what I was doing now, or entirely who I am, or who I am becoming. But I definitely know more than I did, and am sure I will continue to learn more about myself and who I am as a woman as I go on to experience the next stages of my life.