Illustration by Marcelina Jagielka.
I think that friendship is the base of every type of relationship. In my experience you can’t truly fall in love with someone without being friends with that person first. Spending time with the person as friends first is essential for knowing their likes and dislikes, noticing the small details about them, which eventually will make you attached to a person you thought you could only ever be friends with. Friendship can turn into a romantic relationship; however, can a romantic relationship turn into friendship? Should you be friends with someone you dated? This question is frequently debated with radically differing opinions. Most people would argue that turning a romantic relationship into a friendship is an impossible task however; I personally believe that it is possible in some cases.
Forming a friendship with an ex is possible but it is also more than okay not wanting to have anything to do with that person. In my case, the fact that it did not work out romantically with the person I was involved with did not change the fact that we were friends before we dated and are still on speaking terms after having dated. Was it easy? No. Did it get awkward and strange? Yes. But our friendship was more important to me than my own hurt feelings and the same was true for him. We split up amicably after three months as we didn’t see a future together romantically. Boundaries were set; we stopped talking for a while, but after a year we began communicating again and decided to stay friends. Some people cannot just be tossed aside as the connection formed with them is much deeper than physical intimacy. There is a mutual understanding and appreciation of the other person. I am perfectly capable of making new friends and meeting new romantic partners – the two are not mutually exclusive.
Accepting the transience of our connection and moving forward on our own path gave me more peace than holding onto a past flame there was no longer alignment with. The ability to be friends with an ex strongly correlates with emotional maturity. Then one’s current partner comes into the equation. My boyfriend fully trusts me and understands that the romance with my ex faded long ago. At no point does he feel that his boundaries have been disregarded. My new boyfriend is the perfect person for me and I never felt that I needed my ex to fulfill the role that my boyfriend does. Ever since I was a teenager there was one thing I always detested: controlling jealousy. Controlling jealousy is a deal-breaker for me as I am not willing to give up the right to choose who I want to be friends with and I need to be with someone who trusts my choices. Nevertheless, I never meet up or talk with an ex in secret, keeping it from my boyfriend, because it would be a lack of respect to him. Communication is key in a trusting relationship.
The nature of my relationship with my ex has vastly changed, but he still enriches my life, and I his. It takes open communication to get to this point but it is possible. You don’t have to cut a person off altogether just because you are no longer in a relationship. There are infinite reasons why people break up – just make sure to handle all parties involved with respect and consideration. You can continue loving an ex without being in love with them, it is just the shape of the vessel that shifts. Some relationships are meant to be friendships all along and that is why they work better that way. So, to return to the question of whether or not you can remain friends with your ex, I would say yes. It may not be for everyone, but with open communication and trust it’s definitely possible.